Premeditated Spider Murder & The American Revolution

I finally filed my 2011 taxes today (10 days before the final extension deadline thank you very much, so no one can say it was at the last minute, because 10 days is so not the last minute) and I saw a dead snake on the side of the road. A diamondback to be specific, so you’re probably thinking “Hmmm…taxes…snake” should put me in the mindset of Mr. Benjamin Franklin, the thirteen original colonies, Don’t Tread on Me, that whole bit, right?

The first Navy Jack flown by the American Navy during the Revolutionary War, adapted from a political cartoon by Benjamin Franklin. See, at least I recognize what my thought pattern SHOULD have been =P

Nope. It really got me thinking about the black widow that’s trying to have four million babies in our compost bin.

Hi, in case ya didn’t know, my name’s Jamie, and I have ADD.

Anyway, about a week ago Benjamin called me outside to show me what was then a

I’m using a sample black-widow pic, because honestly, I’m terrified that if I try to take a picture of our black widow she will totally jump ON. MY. FACE.

“potential black widow”. First of all, black widows have big butts, I cannot lie. And they don’t look fuzzy like most Texas spiders, they’re kinda shiny like a beetle. This mamasita had webbed herself onto the hinge of the lid, which made it very hard to see her belly, but there was a definite red spot there. She was now an “official black widow”. With about 6 egg sacs, so four million babies may be slightly underestimated. She is clearly trying to kill us. I’ve seen arachnaphobia, I know how this works and I REFUSE to die in the shower, or from putting on my house shoes. I love my house shoes.

AAAAGGGHHH!!! Seriously. For me, this is right up there with that scene from Psycho. I loathe all scary movie scenes related to being in the shower. When you’re NAKED. Just the WORST EVER.

Not the sharpest stick in the insect world.

The thing is, Benjamin and I like insects. We almost never kill them and when we do it’s an accident and we apologize to the dead creature for accidentally smushing them into oblivion (Don’t judge, june bugs are cute, but dumb and unpredictable). And now we have a black widow in our composter leaving us in a bit of a moral dilemma.

A. Kill the spider, and all the compost, with bleach and fire. This should prevent any arachnaphobia-esque scenarios. Cry in the bathroom for being a heartless murderer, of spiders, and compost worms. (Seriously, we dug up ALOT of worms for that compost, it took forever. So. Much. Work. So many bananas.)

Visual aids are important I think.

Yes. And deadliest deaths.

B. Put galoshes on hands, wrap with duct tape, open composter, scoop spider up in bowl with eggs. Kill with bleach. Cry in the bathroom for being a heartless murderer of spiders.

C. Put galoshes on hands, wrap with duct tape, open composter, scoop spider into bowl with eggs, duct tape into a box, carry her to the greenbelt, and dump her and her posse out in the middle of the field. Continue to check composter for possible future invasion. No heartless murder on the rap sheet. Still…possible future invasion. Of four million black widows.

D. Leave black widow and posse alone. More than possibly die of spider invasion when it gets cold and they decide to move into the house.

Oh sweet cheeses….NOOOOOOOO

Honestly, none of these is a very appealing option. I need a way to not have a horrific spider death on my hands, and also not even remotely die from the inevitable horde of creatures preparing to be birthed from the container sitting ever so close to the house. I don’t know how quickly spiders hatch, but Benjamin and I have been sitting on this issue for a week, I think it’s time for a little intervention.

So, I’m going to have a scotch while you guys come up with a plan. Aaaaand suggestions….GO!!


~ J~


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12 Responses to Premeditated Spider Murder & The American Revolution

  1. Darlin' says:

    Are there spider removal companies like they have for bees????? If not, I’m for the greenbelt release. I’ll help- I’ll come with gloves and any color of duct tape of your choosing! :-}

    • Mommy, you are AMAZING. I love you SO MUCH!! Ben and I freaked out right after I posted this. I showed him the blog, and he was like, “Hey babe, Google what a male Black Widow looks like” and I did, and he just went, “UHHHOHHHH” and I was all “What?” And he said, “The compost bin is FULL of dead males”. HOLY. CRAPS.

  2. Delma says:

    Dude, your post gave me a flashback. I totally remember my first anxiety attack. I came face to face with a black widow just chilling on Daddy’s tarped saw table in the car port. Unfortunately, it came about two weeks after the episode of War of the Worlds where the spiders take over and cocoon the entire earth… and my brother convincing me that our Star Wars sheets had spiders in them. Basically, what I’m saying is… bleach, fire, dragon-glass, wild-fire, napalm….

  3. igneousidol says:

    they must have a natural predator, maybe a snake? I would squash with a bat or something longer….galoshes duct taped is too close, and wear a hairnet maybe soaked in raid

    • That’s it. You are officially invited to the spider excavation, I literally snorted when I read your comment and this whole revised scene a-la-The-Great-Outdoors, when Dan Aykroyd and John Candy have to kill that bat, popped into my head. Only with us in raid hair nets with Benjamin’s soft ball bat and a broomstick. I giggled uncontrollably. Well done there!! And thanks for visiting!! =D

    • EEEEK!! I’m too afraid!! (a) I hate the noise things make when they squish (b) I’m sort of afraid I’ll miss and get annihilated (c) guilty, I’d feel so so guilty. I’m actually petitioning a couple friends right now to do the squishing for me, in the event that some sort of spider catch-and-release program proves impossible. So nervous!! And thanks ever so much for stopping by!! =D

  4. Mandy says:

    We have a very similar situation- big mama black widow and lots of eggs right between the glass and screen of our storm window in the dining room (one of the worst things to realize as I’m eating my mornin oatmeal….) This spider was happening about 6 inches from my face under a very thin layer of glass!!!! The blueberriez of my oatly goodness were suddenly very unappealing after realizing the how close that spider butt resembled my breakfasty foods 😦

    • NO. You know I want pictures of them shiz. We can compare how creepy our spider butts are. Also, please send me a picture of oatmeal blueberries, I feel the need to do my own visual comparison for the purposes of appropriately freaking out on your behalf ❤ I am dedicated, I am XOXO

  5. Dude. Kill that bitch. We recently found one in our shed and even though it’s far away from the house, we don’t house deadly insects up in here. Get Ben to squish it.

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