“I Could Never Get The Hang of Thursdays”: Weekly Damage Report

Thursday is my Monday. S–t ALWAYS goes down on Thursday. And this is one of the major reasons I love Douglas Adams – because he feels me on this one, and penned such a clever phrase!! So here’s the s–t that went down today, and this week, and the s–t that made up for that s–t. BA-DUM-PSHH! (Ben and I are trying to quit cussing because our nephew is learning to talk, and because we both sound like drunken contestants at the Cussing Nationals – wouldn’t that be the best televised competition EVER? – anyway, I’m not allowed to say s–t. Or most of the other words I really like to say. Pfffft!!)

Wrecks:

  • Wrapped my pinky toe around a folding chair. Pinky toes aren’t that long y’all.
  • Walked into a dog… Straight. Into. A dog.
  • Grated part of my hand into the soap I was making. Had to throw some of the soap

    Me and bestifer J.H., I zombie’d us and this is exactly what we’ll look like when the apocalypse comes. BRAAAAIIINNNNSSSS and TACCOOOO BUENOOOOOO.

    away.

  • And remember that time I decided to grate soap while sitting on the couch watching Harry Potter? Thinking I could get all the soap to go in that little bowl? Yeah. That didn’t go well either.
  • Developed a rash “of unknown origin”. Seriously. That’s exactly what my doctor said. Unknown origin.
  • Had a secondary rash AT THE SAME TIME from eating Taco Bueno three days in a row because if I didn’t have it I was going to turn into a homicidal maniac. Except me, wheat, sugar, cheese, and vinegar aren’t exactly the best of friends. I think they’re delicious, my body thinks they’re trying to kill me.
  • Thumb was punctured by a kitten tooth because she likes bagels and lox too. (I know, I know, more wheat, more cheese, more sugar. But it was an emergency.)
  • I also fell: into a chair, into the stove, over a gate, off a curb, and on top of a dog. The last one was totally the dog’s fault. She’s so hard to see!!

Wins:

  • I did not contaminate my nephew with a rash of unknown origin. And he called me to say “ball”. EPIC WIN.
  • I found my own all-natural treatment method for said  rash of unknown origin that, so

    Un-zombie’d Jamie haz a happy!!

    far, is working leaps and bounds better than any of the over-the-counter stuff. Data pending. No really, I have a spreadsheet.

  • I made body wash. Out of soap that doesn’t make my skin angry. For a bajillion, or 228, percent less than the store bought stuff. Make that 228% less than the wholesale price, cuz I was buyin’ my soap at a club.
  • I went to the doctor, and weighed 11 pounds less than the last time I was there. Despite the Taco Bueno. Huzzah.
  • I discovered coconut oil as a hair mask, and now I am fancy as hell. Dammit, I wasn’t supposed to say hell!! Or dammit. Ugh.
  • I made banana bread, which was awesome, ’cause then I got to eat it. Flippin’ sweet.

And now? I nap…or maybe just sleep ’til someone wakes me up with food…

XOXO

~ J ~

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This entry was posted in Adventures, Behavior, We're All Guilty of It, Budgeting Like A Boss, Epic Fails, Who? Me? and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to “I Could Never Get The Hang of Thursdays”: Weekly Damage Report

  1. Patrick says:

    Ohmigod. You’re as durable (and accident prone) as Wile E Coyote. My younger self has nothing on you!

  2. Patrick says:

    More like a total lack of self-preservation. Ha! I’ve shot myself in the hand with a barbecue stick-loaded slingshot, jumped into the deep end of the pool (without knowing how to swim), held a boiling pot of coffee with my bare hands, and had a TV fall on my head (the old wooden kind. (The TV was fine, though. I broke its fall.))

    • All of those stories sound potentially AWESOME. I think I need to hear them all, I really really do. =D

      • Patrick says:

        Best heard in the presence of alcohol. 🙂 Or intensely sugary drinks.

      • Alcohol. Yes. There needs to be a blogger convention. How can we make this happen? I’ll take 7 Pina Coladas, 6 Margaritas, 5 Belgian Ales, 4 Cape Cods, 3 shots of DiSarrono, 2 straight Scotches, and a partridge in a Pear Tree. Oh!! Does that mean our convention should be in December?? Where do pear trees grow? We have them here, but they don’t bare fruit, and I feel that’s essential. Also, did I allow enough drinks for you to tell all the stories??

  3. 2five2life says:

    Dude, if you haven’t tried grapeseed oil for hair mask or skin, you should rock that noise. The best s-t ever! It seems to absorb better. I dunno the chemistry behind it but I feel myself up all day after using it. Sooooo soft.

  4. Patrick says:

    Haha, I pity whatever convention would have us (KlutzCon 2013???). That would be kind of awesome. And yes, that’s more than enough drinks! Maybe enough to create a few new stories, too!

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