Coconuts, Legolas, and Unmerciful Defeat: A Lesson in Elven-Hair Warfare

A Sea Anemone. Huh. I’d have to say Benjamin’s description is pretty damn accurate.

My hair defies gravity. In a “caught in a tidal wave” sort of way. Ben says I have sea anemone hair. This has actually saved me a lot of time in recent years, because I’ve realized there is absolutely no point in my taking time to do my hair, it’s going to do whatever the hell it wants anyway. It has also, unfortunately, cost me a fair amount of money, just searching for something – some product – that will just make it Lie. Down. 

You see, there’s another side to this. I have very, very fine hair, it’s almost like baby hair. So it’s not very tolerant to anything that’s going to add weight or make it stick together – I just end up looking bizarre. With clumpy hair. And my hair is oily, or rather, my scalp is – so I loathe to add any sort of anything at all really, because I’ll look like a greaseball by afternoon.

My only option thus far in my life, has been to keep my hair really healthy, and invest in hardcore hair conditioners. Then I just cross my heart and spit on my elbow and pray the weather doesn’t do anything weird.

This stuff gets CRAZY EXPENSIVE.

Well. Recently I discovered the magic of adding tea tree oil to your shampoo. Just a few drops keeps oil at bay all day long – in fact – I can now wash my hair every other day without looking like a drowned rat. So I just put a few drops in my Suave Daily Clarifying Shampoo every time I buy a new bottle and voila! No weird 50’s pompadour drag-racer hair by lunchtime. Cute on others. Not cute on me. And BONUS: My cheapo fave Suave has come out with a knock-off version of the Keratesse conditioner. It says “for unmanageable hair” right on the bottle. Well holy cats, how ’bout that??? It’s amazing!!

Organic Virgin Coconut Oil. Not just for smelling delicious (and making the best pie ever) anymore.

However, it doesn’t keep extended-use wear-and-tear of your hair at bay, and my go-to of dunking my dry hair in a bucket of Infusium-23 and letting it dry naturally overnight just hasn’t been doing the trick lately. I think it’s because I’ve started growing my hair out, and the bits at the ends have been around for awhile. They just need more love than before.

As if on cue, my fairy godmother sent the magic of Coconut Oil bouncing into my life at my greatest time of need. First of all, I have this weirdo stress rash, and coconut oil seems to be the only thing that lessens the redness – and then blammo – you can also use it as a hair mask. 

WHAT!?! I’m sooo game. I had bought a 12oz jar, but a little goes a long ass way – so I just transferred about 2 ounces to a tiny airplane jelly jar (it’s food-grade stuff, and a great source of aminos, therefore I didn’t want to waste the whole jar by getting Jamie in it). When the hair mask idea came up, I just went back to my big jar, scooped a couple spoonfuls into a bowl, and started mashing this stuff into my dry hair.

Oooo!! Coconut-Smushed Hair!!! And my cat sleeping on my left shoulder. She’s black and white and completely blends into the headboard behind her except for the white spot. That looks like another tiny cat. Complete weirdness.

Coconut oil is solid at room temperature, but has a super low melting point, so it sort of turns to goo in your hands just from the heat of your skin. I worked the oil through my hair from roots to ends, then ran a brush through to get it as evenly dispersed as possible.  Then I pulled my shower cap over the top of my hair, because at this point it was all super melty, and even though I smelled like pie, I didn’t want to drip all over my floors and furniture.

My no-drip cap is tilted jauntily to the side. Because I could be doing my hair. OR I could be BAKING. You can’t tell which can you? No you can’t. Neener Neener.

Then I just left it on there for about an hour while I drank my morning tea and returned some customer calls. When I was ready for my shower, I shampooed twice to get the last vestiges of oil out of my hair, and conditioned as usual.

I didn’t even use a brush!! WHAT?!?!

I was anxious to see the results, so I used my hairdryer (on low heat of course, I’m not a dummy, I didn’t want to ruin all the wonderful repairs the coconuts did) and OH MY SWEET ELVIN GORGEOUSNESS. LEGOLAS IS A PUNK AND HE CAN KISS MY PEARLY BRUNETTE TRESSES. HOLY CRAP.

Bite me punk. My hair’s prettier…even if you’re “overall” prettier. Oh shut up elf.

I’m sold. I will be investing in vats of Virgin Coconut Oil. This stuff can do anything. It can probably make you taller. Not even joking. Jeebus. And for all you menfolk out there, don’t feel like you’re being excluded here. Your love-interest will faint, I’m saying positively HIT THE GROUND, when they catch the glorious coconuty gleam off of your sexy satiny hair. They’re gonna wanna run their fingers through it, and won’t that make you happy??? Yeah, I thought so. Now you can call Legolas a punk too.

Shiny like that one side of aluminum foil. Hells yeah.

Please tell me all the uses of coconut oil!! I’ve covered my entire self in it, and I know it would be delicious in pie…..but there’s more, I just know there’s more amazingness!! Although I can’t thing of many things that are more amazing than coconut pie. Le Drool.


~ J ~


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This entry was posted in Adventures, Food is DELICIOUS, Learning stuff is muy bueno, My Favorite Things, Stuff I do...Or like...Or think about and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Coconuts, Legolas, and Unmerciful Defeat: A Lesson in Elven-Hair Warfare

  1. Delma says:

    Dude! My bottle of coconut oil has a squirt top!

  2. Pingback: “I Could Never Get The Hang of Thursdays”: Weekly Damage Report | I Thought This Would Be Easier

  3. I need this. My hair is crunchy and I don’t want to trim it yet.

  4. Pingback: Budgeting Like A Boss: Epic Thyme Skin-Clearing Toner | I Thought This Would Be Easier

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