Culinary Exploits & Short-Term Memory Loss are a Girl’s Best Friend

Life Lesson #5,432,178: When you add a shit ton of garlic to something, it starts to smell far too good, far too long before you can eat it.

This is what I learned with yet another pizza creation this fine evening. I’m making Italian…AGAIN. This is very strange

Wet’n’Wild. Or Hurricane Harbor. Or what the eff ever. It’s awesome. And that right there is the black hole my friends. DO NOT ride it drunk. You will regrets.

for me I’ll have you know, I’m not a super huge fan of Italian food. Except for Bari’s….wait….Fera’s!! It’s an Italian restaurant in Denton. I always get the name wrong, cuz they changed it on me. Like I still call “Wet’n’Wild” well…Wet’n’Wild. The water park in Arlington, TX? It was Hurricane Harbor a few years (or decades?) ago, and I don’t know what the shit it is now. So yeah, in the immortal words of Joey from Friends, whilst describing Chandler’s nubbin: “I see something, I hear a name, I THINK THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!”

Anyway, moving onward from what will forever be Wet’n’Wild and Bari’s. It’s weird for me to eat Italian so much. But I’m craving it!! Maybe it’s the coming of summer. Maybe it’s that I happen to have a bunch of Tuscan spices randomly stashed in my cabinet and they smell AMAZEBALLS every time open the door to get the pepper. Maybe it’s my gorgeous basil plant. Have I mentioned that I’m growing basil? And that it’s not dead yet? Because it’s not. Take note here and here. That bitch is alive, and I am one PROUD plant mama!!

This evening’s culinary inspiration came from a magazine I recently subscribed to that’s got great healthy recipes that really don’t take that long to prepare. And there’s a decent focus on whole and organic foods – with great suggestions for acceptable shortcuts. The issue that inspired me was all about spring veggies, and provided a recipe for pizza with asparagus, chives and Fontina cheese.

Wellll…I like sauce y’all. And garlic. And don’t even think about asking me to pass on mozzarella. So I tweaked it. A bit. It was a little less healthy, but a whooooole lotta delicious. So without further ado:

You can’t go wrong with gooey. You just CAN’T.

Asparagus & Chive Pizza with Roasted Garlic and White Sauce

1 Ready-to-Use Pizza Crust (white or wheat, we used white this time, because Ben hates wheat and I won that battle last time we had pizza…so it was his turn)

1 tbsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil

1/4 c Light Alfredo Sauce (I was going to whip up a bechamel, but alas, I had to do dishes before I started cooking so I got lazy around the bechamel-making time)

5-6 cloves Garlic, Roasted and Minced (the weird thing about this is I didn’t even mean to have roasted garlic. It’s just that my stove gets super hot from the oven, and I accidentally left my ceramic garlic keeper up there LAST time I made pizza and it totally roasted it. Nifty little incident that I’ll have to try to repeat on purpose some other time.)

2-3 Chives (green onions) with outer (tough) leaves stripped – minced

1 bunch fresh Asparagus, well rinsed, with tough stems removed (if you don’t know how to do this, it’s sneezy. You just grasp a stalk of asparagus at each end, about an inch from the top and bottom, and gently bend until it breaks. It will break at the very point where the stalk switches from tender to tough. Use the top part with the flowery bits, not the bottom tree trunk part.)

5-6 oz Fresh Mozzarella, finely diced (I like to use BelGioioso, primarily because I can afford it, and secondarily because there’s only 4 ingredients, and all of them are words I understand)

Cracked Black Pepper & Garlic Powder to taste

Get this stuff. Put it on your pizza.

  1. Pre-heat your oven to 450 degrees. If your stove gets hot, and your garlic keeper’s up there, and you don’t want roasted garlic – then put them shiz aside on the safe, cool counter.
  2. In a small pan, place your asparagus spears in a smidge of water – say 1/8th of a cup, and heat until your asparagus spears just begin to turn vividly green. Then remove from heat. They should be al dente, or slightly firm.
  3. Place your ready-to-go crust on your pizza stone (or whatever you’re using) and brush the top LIGHTLY with your olive oil. Then spread the desired amount of Alfredo sauce over the top (about 1/4 cup or less), and add cracked black pepper to taste. Sprinkle the very edge of the crust with garlic powder to taste.

    Cheese magic.

  4. Sprinkle pizza with your garlic and chives, then lay out your asparagus spears in a star pattern, with the ends of the stems coming together in the middle and the flowery tops pointing out toward the edge of the crust.
  5. Scatter your diced mozzarella evenly over the top. And place in the oven. Drop your heat to 425 degrees. Bake for 20 minutes, or until cheese is golden brown and bubbly.
  6. Let cool about 5 minutes, and slice into 8 pieces. NOMS!!!!

And here’s my secret not-as-nutritional data y’all, for 1 slice, or 1/8 pizza:

  • Calories ~ 205
  • Fat ~ 8g
  • Saturated Fat ~ 3g

    ‘Sparagus. With some crunch yo.

  • Cholesterol ~ 18mg
  • Sodium ~ 256mg
  • Carbohydrates ~ 23g
  • Fiber ~ 2g
  • Sugar ~ 1g
  • Protein ~ 8g


  • I am a dab hand at Google translator my friends. A real star.


~ J ~


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This entry was posted in Demanding Accuracy, Epic Fails, Food is DELICIOUS, Learning stuff is muy bueno, My Favorite Things and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Culinary Exploits & Short-Term Memory Loss are a Girl’s Best Friend

  1. Darlin' says:

    OH MY GOD!!! and I’m your mother!!!!! WHY OH WHY DID YOU NOT INVITE ME TO DINNER!!!!!! I’ve had 2 chocolate martinis (’cause I’m upsetted with you fatter!!!) 1/2 an av, 2 cucumbers, sugar snap peas and cheese!!!!! WHAT YOU HAD WAS WAAAAAAYYYYYY BETTTTTER!!!!!

    • JamieRene says:

      Awww Mommeez, I’m sorry you had to resort to martinis LMAO ❤ I'm working from home tomorrow – I've saved you a piece of pizza. I'll bring to you!! XOXOXOXO

  2. Anna F. says:

    Looks amazing! We make pizza from scratch every now and then but none have turned out this good-looking. We’re not vegan, but like to experiment and once made a vegan alfredo sauce that was healthier (less fat, calories) and it was fab. I eat two cloves of raw garlic a day. It’s a littl ebit of an obsession. I’m worried that I reek of it and that my bf does too and we can never tell.

    Um, drunk water-parking. I feel like a nub for never even considering it. I know what I’m doing this summer: getting wasted, sloshing down slides, and eating pizza. Thanks!

    • JamieRene says:

      The pretty is all in the cheese my friend, all in the cheese =D It’s one of the reasons I love mozzarella so much, no cheese melts in a more gorgeous fashion!! I would love, LOVE to have your vegan alfredo sauce recipe!! If you don’t mind sharing, email it to me at =D
      I LURVE garlic, it’s ridonk. I will put it on almost anything. And please do tell me of your drunken water park exploits!! If they’re anything like mine, we can share some serious giggles!!

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