So as some of you Bloggess-crazed fans may know, our favorite bloggy friend, Jenny Lawson, has been touring for her new book Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Which is a non-stop giggle fest of inappropriate behavior in public, zany childhood memories, arguing with your own brain, and the great amount of insufferable shit we have to go through just to get to this part where we can call ourselves grown ups. It is BRILLIANT. Obviously.
Seriously – I adore the Bloggess. Because she’s the reason I finally came to realize that there’s a side of myself that I don’t need to work so hard to hide. It’s somewhere between goofy and hot mess, and it is truly the heart of who I am. With my champion Bloggess leading the way, I now let my epic fails fall where they may. It’s lovely.
So. Lo and behold my friends, I just about shit kittens when I saw she would be strolling through Dallas on her tour.
WHAT THE WHAT!?! OH-SWEET-BABY-CHEESES-AND-ALL-THAT-IS-GOOD-IN-HEAVEN-AND-EARTH-WHATEVER-DO-YOU-MEAN-THAT-I-AM-GOING-TO-GET-TO-MEET-THE-MOTHEREFFING-BLOGGESS!?!?! HOLY.SHIT.
And I dropped my laptop and squealed and woke Benjamin up, and he was a little pissed about it because it was 4:30 in the morning and my discovery just happened to coincide with a bad bout of insomnia. We agree to disagree on whether the Bloggess coming to Dallas was momentous enough for me to wake him up by squealing at the ass-crack of dawn.
I waited impatiently for weeks upon weeks, and notified my posse, of course. It would be nearly impossible to have the maximum amount of available fun if I didn’t get to take my girls with me.
This past Thursday was the day y’all. And while the majority of our crew had to be grown ups and work and look after their
kiddos, my Delmo (aka Delma, which is her real name, just not what I call her) and I jumped in the car to drive to Fairview to worship the Bloggess in all her glory.
Three problems quickly arose. (1) Where the frick is Fairview? (2) The route to Fairview involves coming dangerously close to highway 75, which is like a vortex of hate that sucks you in and spits you out somewhere near Coit Rd. in Dallas where you’re almost immediately smacked by a Lexus going 850 mph who will inevitably have better insurance than you do. This didn’t actually happen to us. But I think I heard that something like this happened to a friend of a friend of a friend. But truly, no one lets you merge on 75 and you cry until you get dumped off the freeway somewhere in Alabama (3) We were hungry.
The three problems culminated in this manner (A) We accidentally exited off of Sam Rayburn Tollway onto something unidentifiable which caused my cell phone to freeze (B) I said screw this, we need tacos (C) The phone GPS rebooted and said – ACK! – we needed to get on the dreaded 75, south-bound, and exit Greenfield (or something) (D) We got on 75 south – there was no exit for Greenfield (or whatever) and the dot showed us as being past where we were supposed to exit (E) Delma said screw this, we need tacos (F) I said there should be a system for all evil highways whereby they just post big signs that say TACOS when you’re in proximity to said tacos (G) Beacon of joy!! Sure enough, just before the next exit there was a big ass sign that said TACO. It also said BELL. We were saved. (H) We snarf down some tacos and hit the road and discover…we are directly across the street from the bookstore the Bloggess was signing stuff in. I KNOW. (I) We still had to go through three lights and make two u-turns to get to the place because we weren’t expecting it to be right across the damn street.
So we arrive and are promptly told by the bookstore staff that because we are devoted fans who bought our books ahead of time, instead of buying them in their little bookstore, we are not allowed access to the arm bands that allow us a reserved place in line even though we got there an hour and a half early. No. We must wait until everyone else with armbands has gone ahead of us, then we may get in line to meet our Bloggess. I am sure the Bloggess played no part in their heinous scheme. Oh well. At least they had beer. And cookies. It kind of made me forgive them for being douchenozzles, because that’s sort of the greatest bookstore idea ever.
The next part ohmygosh – it all happened so fast. Remember my post about how Thursdays are my Mondays when I said I was afraid of shouting something inappropriate to the Bloggess about sea-faring douche vessels, or decorating your vag with sequins and glitter? Well. I did do something ridiculous. But fortunately it wasn’t as bad as all that…
We were standing just to the back of the front crowd, which contained roughly 150 people, and we were off to the left amidst some mystery novels. This allowed me a clear view of the small open space that led down the side of the presentation area to the bathrooms, and one rather understated door. This is the door the Bloggess walked out of. She looked utterly overwhelmed, and happy, and I actually teared up a little bit. And then…I started jumping up and down and waving as if she had seen me through my laptop screen each time I had read a post and would totally know who I was. Sheesh. But, because she is all that is awesome, she totally half grinned and waved back with a very understanding look on her face like she totally has mad compassion for people with impulse-control difficulties. Did I mention that she’s awesome?
Then, THEN!! She read from her book!! Now, I don’t want to spoil any of the book parts for you, so I’m not going into any detail, no matter how badly you want me to. I don’t care, you need to read the book. It’s hilarious. I will say though, that nothing compares to being in a upscale bookstore in a nice neighborhood, and listening to an excerpt that spills forth the words: colon-cleanse, anti-depressants, ex-lax, diarrhea, rapist, asshole, and Frappacino. All in 10 minutes. Good lord. I am so devoted to this woman.
Following the reading and Q&A, Delmo and I were forced to peruse the books they had stacked neatly about while we waited for the other devotees (that had the armbands) to hang with the Bloggess for a bit. This resulted in a series of ridiculous events which were topped by me finding a small, pink, oval-shaped pill in the purse I had bought just 4 days before at a garage sale and Delmo and I bolting over to the drug-reference section to determine what sort of hard-core debauchery the previous purse owner had been up to. But it was a bust. The tablet was totally for gestational diabetes.
After that we kind of felt like jerks, and decided to go play on the couch fort in the cooking section and look at those fabulous Magic Eye books from our childhood. But it was really just me looking at them because Delmo has an astigmatism and they don’t work for her. So I just told her what the images were. I think it may have been a little anticlimactic.
As the line started to dwindle to less than 300 people, Delmo and I grabbed some chairs near the line formation, so we
could jump our asses right into it as soon as it appeared the end was nigh. Which allowed us to observe the EMT’s rushing in because a woman had fainted, and apparently was having some residual cardiac issues. It reminded me of when I was a little girl and my mom let me watch the Michael Jackson concert on TV and all these girls were being carried out by the wheelbarrow-load because they’d gotten a little over-excited. Which seemed totally stupid to me because then you miss the show. Nonetheless, the bookstore situation was reminiscent of the aforementioned. However this lady was seen to be wheeled out on a stretcher clinging tightly to a neon pink fly-swatter signed by the Bloggess herself. Which makes that lady and the whole situation infinitely more badass than the tweenies at the MJ bash.
After another hour or so, I had to pee, and when I got back DELMO HAD SCORED US A SPOT IN LINE!! IT WAS TIME!! And we had totally planned to tell her all about how much we love her, and how we got lost and only found her because of tacos, and pledge our undying devotion, etc. But we didn’t. Because we’re both secretly big goofs who’s social skills go completely out the window when confronted with anyone we have a star-crush on. So we both grinned like big idiots and took our picture with her and giggled the whole way back to the car. Sigh.
BUT. And this is the best part. Here’s what the Bloggess wrote in my book: